You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything – even poverty – you can survive it.
~ Bill Cosby

Things I have found around the Internet that have made me smile, even through illness.

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1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my
own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you’re wrong.

4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to
have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks
when they’ve invented the lighter?

5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction
from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no
one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was
younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to
fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just
figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the fck was going on when I first saw
it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right
parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond
earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

13. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

14. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

15. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish
a text.

16. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

17. Was learning cursive really necessary?

18. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to
say”.

19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

20. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

21. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I
hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

22. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and
smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

23. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples,
I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had
to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as
in…(10 second lapse)…ummm…Goonies”

24. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?

25. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

26. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

27. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

28. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

29. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

30. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

31. Bad decisions make good stories

32. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile
is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder
BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

33. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
year?

34. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

35. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a
problem….

36. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive
for the rest of the day.

37. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want
to have to restart my collection.

38. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going
to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

39. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.

40. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a
matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be
friends after this?’

41. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.
What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

42. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

43. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t
already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

44. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then
I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

45. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for pedophiles…

46. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

47. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

48. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

49. I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I
find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact
that I was not aware of my condition in college.

50. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to
with it.

51. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass
everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

52. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.

53. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

54. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay.

55. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone
at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a
large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like
being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

A Poem
Funny little thing about this tummy o’mine,
doesn’t wanna work like once upon a time.
I can eat the food but it just sits,
making my tummy hurt and throw a lot of fits!
Sometimes the food doesn’t wanna stay,
I feel like a cow chewing cud all day.
Then there’s the pain with no end in sight,
I hurt all through the day and all through the night.
Off comes the weight down another size,
God how I miss those burger and fries!
But gone are those foods, this is hard to endure,
what can I have ? Oh GOODY Ensure!!!
My energy is gone, it’s completely zapped,
outta bed got dressed, now time for a nap.
The doctors the tests, they all take there toll,
the diet I hope contains lots of cinnamon rolls.
But let me just say on some serious notes,
there is no cure no magic antidote.
I can hear you say “you’re getting so thin!”
but I’m fighting a battle I’m praying to win.
Feeding tubes & stimulator’s transplants & liquid diets,
those are my options, my life is far from a riot!
So before you judge me on how I look,
remember this: “judge not just by the cover, but the whole book.”
So now you see why something is a miss,
what’s it called you ask?
GASTROPARESIS…….

Videos

Kids are Bad Pilots Gif - Kids are Bad Pilots

[myvideogall:humor]

  • 2 Responses

  • Scotty says...

    Today, I went to the beachfront with my kids.
    I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell to her ear and screamed.

    There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back!
    LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!

  • Cristy says...

    Thank you for using my poem in your blog! I didn’t even know it was still out there since I posted it on the GP site back in 2011, People told me how it inspired them and helped them educate others. You guys have inspired me to start writing again. Thank you for sharing it with others on your wonderful blog. 🙂

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